The ONE Leper

(A blog of gratitude)

11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy[a] met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 14 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. 15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. 17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” 19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” – Luke 17:11-19

These last few months I have been reflecting A LOT on life but more consumed by death. I am grateful for my kids, yet completely ungrateful that my husband is no longer here. I am thankful for the family I have near me, yet ungrateful that I can not be nearer to my own family. I am so thankful for all that I have, yet ungrateful at what I don’t have. I can’t understand why my brain and heart contradict each other, but they do. And in both aspects… I am truly ungrateful and TRULY thankful all at the same time.

The week that Brent got sick, the above passage in Luke was given to me. Brent was standing in his parents backyard and I’ll never forget telling him that I personally never wanted to be like those nine lepers, that came and got what they wanted from Jesus YET never returned to praise HIM and give him thanks!

Yet, that is where I find myself in life right now as I struggle.

It’s hard when day in and day out I am consumed with the constant thought of death. When I seem so distracted with my thoughts of Brent or death to even enjoy anything in life. I struggle having a desire to work or go to school to get a degree so I can financially support my family, because I have NO desire to do that and no emotional energy.

Of course I get that I still live here on earth, and understand that we have to keep living and so I do pursue these things and I hate to sound so depressing, but I am just saying it like I’m truly feeling. I seem to have little energy to do anything, cook, get ready, hang out with people (although I do make an effort to do all of these because I KNOW it’s good and of course for my boys) BUT I find myself restless and wanting to be home because I literally can’t even think.

I guess it’s all part of the process of grief. And although I know grief can’t be an excuse forever it seriously does take its toll and it has on me for sure. I’m concluding that it will forever but praying it subsides.

I am STILL always thinking about Brent and sometimes just shake my head of all that has happened. I continue to miss him and have just come to a point where I don’t feel pressured by the world to “move on” and I can just miss him if I want to.

And I can cry when I want, I don’t have to get rid of any of his things if I don’t want to and I’m learning to not care about opinions and learning to HEAR FROM GOD and HIS opinion!

His opinion in where to go what to do because ultimately HE is the ONLY ONE that knows what's best but also HE KNOWS MY HEART AND MY DESIRES and that gives me a truly grateful heart. Gratitude in knowing that God has GOOD THINGS in store for me and they are personalized. That I don’t have to follow the crowd just for a clap or pat on the back.

God has been SO GOOD TO myself, Jaiden and Micah. And as I have been reflecting and choosing to remember ALL of God's goodness it has brought me to a place of true rest and a THANKFUL PRAISING HEART.

I can recount how God has literally paid for my mortgage for the past 2 years straight, how groceries have just sat on my front porch when I needed it most, how opportunities of sharing our story to encourage the body just pop up!! How random guys will be at a pond to fish with Jaiden and Micah and the boys just literally LOVE it!!!!!! (because would you rather fish with your mom or a bunch of guys who fish with hot dogs lol)

How God has brought godly men in my boys life who loved Brent and now love on Jaiden and Micah. I have seen God's hand carry out many of Brent's visions and desires and they continue to. The Lord's hands have been the light when the darkness seems as though it’s winning.

You know, this Leper stood in line just like the other 9 waiting and longing to be healed of this horrific out casting disease. There stood Jesus …..HOPE when there was none. I think about how desperate those men must have been. I would have been begging for healing! So Jesus, moved with compassion speaks healing upon them and lovingly heals. Truly these men were beyond excited!

They had new life and hope….but they never once stopped to simply say, “Thank you.” ONE MAN, recognized what Jesus had done for him and he did. He turned around to thank God and PRAISE Him.

So, in an attitude of gratefulness, I have to say that I am truly so blessed and tonight…….. I am thankful. I carry a total burden of sadness, I’m not going to lie, BUT I am truly grateful and pray that God continues to give me the desires of my heart according to HIS will. Not only is this what the Lord wants, but knowing my husband the way I know him, he would want me to thank Jesus and be grateful and happy while I still live here on this earth.