My Will vs HIS Will: Being Torn

I have been asked many questions during this tragedy of our lives. I have been given LOTS of advice, council and opinions. From the outside looking in, I often wonder what people are thinking.

If they know I'm just trying to get through my day as best as I can OR if they judge/question the activities I do, the place where I live and so on. I know myself, and it can be SO easy to say what you would be doing without ever entering the situation.

I remember thinking one night, "if anything ever happened to Brent I would just die, lose it and maybe even turn from my faith." Well, as Jesus saw fit to take Brent home there have been many nights where I feel like all of those things may happen, BUT don't and haven't. As a matter of fact the nights I feel like I may lose it, have made me stronger, the nights where I feel like i'm just going to die, God reminds me of HIS purpose and plan for me here on this earth are good and not evil, the times where I think my faith is being rocked have given me a deeper sense of knowing that God is right there with me and my faith in HIM has increased.

On top of all that we have to go through, one of the toughest things I face is knowing God's will. Where does HE want to me live? Should I homeschool or do private school? Should I get a job or raise my boys (that's not even an option right now by the way, the thought just runs in my head sometimes. Of course raising my boys is priority!!) I have 2 amazing families, it is very difficult to know where I should be living.

It's so hard not having a covering, my husband being the boys and my covering to make all these decsions for us. I miss my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters dearly and when I am around them I remeber how much I miss hanging out with everyone! The boys have a blast because in my crazy spanish family there is NEVER a dull moment. I get to do mother-daughter things and can just leave my boys without asking if someone can watch them! It's simply freeing and comfortable. I can be myself and not care about things like the fact that I hate cooking because all my sisters and mom and grandma cook enough for tribes!!! lol

Then I have my other family. Brents family. I have lived near them (and with them at one point) for the past 12 years of my life. I have a bond with them that not many can say they have with their in-laws. I love Brent's sisters as my own, his nieces as my own and his parents are truly parents to me. Of course the boys are so dearly close in relationship to them and I could never want to live without them or far from them.

So how do I know what's best? Where do I go or live or raise Jaiden and Micah. Do I base it off of feelings emotions or family? Well part of being human is buliding relationships, but more importantly is being RIGHT WHERE GOD HAS AND WANTS YOU!

Jesus tells us that if we love anything more than Him, including family then we are not deserving of being His disciples. We have to be willing to leave all for what He called us to. Where He has opened a door and provided for is right where the boys and I are.

One night, after Brent was already sick, I was asking all the hard questions, "babe, what and where would you want the boys and I to be." His answer was not what I wanted to hear. He said, "Andrea, God will guide you, HE will show you as you seek Him, He'll open and close doors." Of course he had certain opinions, but in the grand scheme of things he knew that it really didn't matter what he wanted it mattered and matters what HE (GOD) wants.

I just wanted him to give me an answer, to make things easier on me! I wanted Brent my husband to guide me through this life even if he couldn't be here. I am now having to learn to fully lean and trust Jesus to be my guide. In a perfect world it would be perfect right? Well obviously it's not and if we are not seeking HIM and HIS will then we will be TORN.

One of my favorite verses is:
"BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO TRUSTS IN THE LORD HE IS LIKE A TREE PLANTED BY WATER, THAT SENDS OUT ITS ROOTS BY THE STREAM, AND DOES NOT FEAR WHEN HEAT COMES, FOR ITS LEAVES REMAIN GREEN AND IS NOT ANXIOUS IN THE YEAR OF DROUGHT, FOR IT DOES NOT CEASE TO BEAR FRUIT." -Jeremiah 17:7-8

When the heat is turned up, when we are feeling torn, He tells us in 2nd Corinthians 12:9 that His grace is enough and His power is enough in our weakness, therefore we can gladly boast so that Christ power may rest in us. When we feel torn, we can rest because it ultimatly doesn't matter where we are location wise or spiritually, if we are grounded in His word and trust Him then we will be right where HE provides us to be.

He NEVER once said that it would be easy so where do we get that idea from? Ourselves. We want it to be easy so bad , but that wouldn't require any faith on our end.

I am learning to be strong, but NOT strong in my flesh, STRONG IN THE SON JESUS CHRIST because, "The Lord will keep us from all harm-He will watch over our coming and going both now and forevermore."- Psalm 121:7-8

Even though at times I am sad not being where maybe I would want to be, I can fully rest in knowing I am exactly where the Father wants me to be becasue he has provided and guided.