I didn’t want Brent to die.
I didn’t want my kids to grow up not ever knowing their daddy with the exceptions of stories told to them by myself or others that knew him. I didn’t ask for the ENDLESS nights months that have turned into years of suffering, beating on my wall, screaming in my car, alone, lying on my carpet, after the boys went to bed to just cry and cry until I went numb. I didn’t want to know and experience that panic attacks are real, many many many many many sleepless nights, that turned into years of sleepless nights, break downs in grocery stores, or passing by the church he pastored only to get severe stomach aches just to look at the driveway of the church.
I never wanted to raise 2 boys alone, on top of trying to keep it all together and normal so that I can raise them, so that they can have a semi- normal life. I never wanted to carry the financial burden of supporting the 3 of us. And I never wanted to feel this hole so deep in my heart that I have to battle depression in a way that is a constant fight with what I know to be true, to what I feel. I never wanted to deal with the pressure of people. Good OR bad. I just want things to be normal.
BUT THEY ARE NOT.
THEY NEVER WILL BE NORMAL.
AND THIS IS MY REALITY:
SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG?
WHY DO I FEEL THAT WIDOWS GET JUDGED FOR ANY DECISIONS THEY MAKE?
WHY DO I FEEL THAT ASKING GOD, IF IT’S HIS WILL, FOR ME TO GET MARRIED AGAIN IS WRONG?
WHY DO I FEEL THAT AT AGE 32 I CAN’T AND SHOULDN’T EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MY KIDS ARE GOING TO GROW UP MESSED UP BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE THEIR DAD.
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T BE SAD ANYMORE?
UGGGGGG IT’S SO CRAZY TO FEEL LIKE YOU’RE GOING CRAZY!
I DON’T KNOW WHY I FEEL THESE BURDENS!
Yes there are many people that can’t comprehend, or wonder.
Yes, there are many people that are SOOO supportive and loving and kind and get it and want only the best! (please don’t ever say you know what you would or wouldn’t do if you were a widow because chances are you would surprise yourself.)
But I just can’t seem to get past the feeling that I’m doing it all wrong. That I can’t cry in front of my children. That I can’t pray for God's perfect and beautiful will to happen whatever that may look like. (Thinking about getting married again gives me anxiety BUT being alone the rest of my life gives me anxiety too! hahahaha I may have an anxiety problem lol. Thinking about paying bills gives me anxiety, but working again full time gives me anxiety too!! hahahahaha)
Over the past 4 years I have had a great privilege and opportunity to meet and speak to many widows. Some younger than I, some the same age, others much older. We all go through the same things, and questions, and pain……… but one thing I’m trying to remember is that every person is different and every journey is different.
Although, I have NOT done these past four years perfectly. I can say that at the end of the day I have genuinely cried out to Jesus Christ for all the perfect answers AND FOR HIS STRENGTH.
I have kept fighting for my faith when I didn’t know if I even had any left in me.
I kept praying when I didn’t know how to pray or had no faith to pray anymore.
I clung when I turned away from His provisions and depended on my own.
I LOVE JESUS and although I’m frustrated, hurt, TIRED and beaten down I TRUST HIM to take my life, HOWEVER that may look, apart from my own “knowing what’s best for me” and just want Him to bring blessings but also learning to accept the “non blessings”. I desire to see how He will provide for the three of us, how He will turn my mourning into dancing, I’m waiting patiently to see the end of the story for Jaiden and Micah and to see how they will grow up to be, Lord willing, men who stand in the gap just like their dad did and I’m willing to let Him, even if it hurts, is weird, or not what I ever imagined BECAUSE like He told Job, He is the one to decide all things. Period.
Part of me died when Brent died. I have been told, “I just want to see you happy.” Truth is happy makes me angry. BUT I know that God fills our hearts with laughter and so I want it because it’s His desire. Burdens can weigh down so heavily. Pray for them to be lifted.